You Are Not Your Mother

Every daughter on the planet will at some time question herself as to who she is and what she wants from life. She will review what aspects of her mother’s character and behaviour she wants to adopt.

In adolescence generally, as young women we want to experiment with who we are whether it be dying our hair, experimenting sexually, following a certain fashion, hanging out with different friendship groups or expressing ourselves creatively and some mothers do protest as we make these changes. There is a fine line between loving and hating our mothers if we are challenged during this time of transition and transformation from child to adult.

During the separation process, a daughter is searching for her sense of self and a mother is losing her identity as a mother. Both mothers and daughters can go through a crisis of sorts as each attempts to come into their own way of being, both trying to cope with the emotional and physical changes within the relationship. If the separation process is resisted at this stage by you or your mother it’s never too late to form your own identity independent of her.

You have a right to set boundaries with your mother and in doing so you will be helping her to loosen her attachment to you and form her own identity. This can be done in a loving way and with consideration as your mother may have fears about not knowing who she is, or what she wants from life. You are handing her an opportunity which may well lead to amazing experiences she has never even thought about.

If you believe you have been abandoned by your mother, rejected, unloved, dismissed or not accepted as a child or adult, you do not have to further punish yourself by dismissing your needs. Both the child and the adult within you deserve to have the identity of your choice. After self-exploration you can go on to create a completely new identity, one which exists independently of the past or your mother’s choices. You have the opportunity to do this for yourself as you learn about your needs and how to fulfil them.

You have the power to change your life. By doing so, you become a fine role model for other women, teaching them that it’s fine to celebrate their own personal strengths and follow their own dreams. When it comes to picking and choosing behaviours and traits you have learnt from your mother (and deciding on those you wish to display in your life) my advice is ‘‘choose the best and dump the rest’’. Separation and then forming your own identity allows both you and your mother to grow as individuals and what could be better than that.

To find out more about the mother daughter relationship and how to understand and transform the relationship with your mother you can order the book via amazon or direct at

#MothersandDaughters #Attachment #ConflictResolution #Daughters #Mothers #Relationships #Identity #Understanding #AdverseChildhoodExperiences

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Wendy Fry Author of Mothers and Daughters & Find YOU, Find LOVE

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