The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother’s side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and become fully independent - Eric Fromm
Our hunger for our mother’s love can be all encompassing. Many daughters have shared with me that they will do anything to feel loved by their mothers.
Dancing between the need to please our mothers and the need to please ourselves, one minute seeking love and approval and at the same time fearing abandonment and rejection, we constantly try out new steps to find different ways to appease our mothers. We expect our mothers to take care of us and to be there for us come what may, not just in our childhood years but in later life too. The frustration begins when our mother isn’t able to meet our needs. We may experience her unavailability as personal rejection. It will be helpful to explore how realistic your needs as an adult and to reflect on why your mother may not have been there for you when you needed her most as a child.
It’s true to say some mothers do not fit the mould of what an ‘ideal’ mother is. She may be cruel, inconsiderate, abusive and unavailable. In the variety of case studies shared in Mothers and Daughters I hope to offer insights into the various experiences daughters have suffered at the hands of their mothers, when ideal parenting hasn’t been part of the mother- daughter package. We discuss too, why in some cases, mothers were simply unable to cope with their own tragic pasts and unable to raise a daughter in the ideal way because of unresolved traumas. Each mother-daughter relationship is unique, even amongst female siblings the experience your mother, will vary. The relationship itself will determine how mother and daughter view themselves.
Danna’s Words of Wisdom (Case Study)
‘‘All I ever wanted was to be listened to, respected and understood. I needed my mother to show me how to be positive and confident about myself and to teach me how to respond differently when people let me down. I guess she never really knew how to do that for herself, so how was she going to be able to show me.’’
As we progress through this blog series I will be sharing insights into how understand your mother and transform your relationship with her. If your mother is no longer with you or you are estranged, it's never too late to learn about her and in doing so improve the relationship you have with yourself.
When you're ready to work through 'your mother or daughter stuff' at the deepest level please do make contact to discuss the range of support options available to you.