Self-Sabotage in Intimate Relationships
We all do it at some point in our lives, unwittingly sabotage ourselves, as the fear of the unknown can be greater than the fear of what actually is. Staying in a comfort zone is one of the biggest culprits preventing us from positive change and can impact all areas of our lives including intimate relationships.
Your personal comfort zone in intimate relationships could include any of the following. It will be different for each of you reading.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
How often do you:
Tell yourself it’s better to stay single?
Find yourself being passive in relationships?
Convince yourself future relationships will be like the past?
Move from one partner to another without making a commitment to a lasting relationship?
End a relationship so they don’t end it first?
Tell your partner you’re busy even when you’re not?
Expect your partner to be able to meet all your needs?
Look for evidence your relationships aren’t working?
Discount the positive in your relationships?
Choose not to believe words of love and affirmation?
Criticise your partner inwardly or outwardly but still stay with them?
Use aggression or the silent treatment to communicate your needs?
Turn away from your partner without talking things through?
Find yourself avoiding physical contact and intimacy?
Close down or walk out when an argument or disagreement is brewing?
Find yourself running from relationships before they’ve had a chance to blossom?
Reacting to your partner when their actions and behaviours remind you of a past experience?
Acting as a moody child or angry teenager in communications with your partner?
Giving into your partner and not stating your own needs?
Expect your partner to mind read what you want them to do, say or be?
Put up with disrespectful behaviour from your partner?
Avoid talking through your emotions, thoughts and feelings?
Our earliest relationship experiences including those that we have with our parents, caregivers and circle of influence all ahve an imapct our behaviours and choices as well as how we show up in relationships. Often when we are operating from a place of fear our choosing and decisions may come from a memory of pain which can then be projected into the future rather than a point of hope. The mind works in what might be deemed as mysterious ways to protect us from perceived danger when in reality none may exist.
You can learn more about these relationship dynamics in my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE and also my second book Mothers and Daughters: The guide to understanding and transforming the relationship with your mother
There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we are open to all that life has to offer passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first...in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot love others or our potential to create - John Lennon
In next weeks blog we explore staying in your comfort zone and why that might be limiting you more than you think.