Personal enlightenment comes when we are able to embrace the full range of human emotions.
Although anger has a bad reputation, it’s natural to feel this emotion at some point in your life. Fear of expressing your anger can have more negative energy than the anger itself. When you are able to vent your emotions in healthy ways, you are able to reduce many related emotions such as stress, anxiety and depression. What may appear as anger, may actually be a cry for love. You may find yourself using one emotion to hide another. Being able to welcome, acknowledge and release the anger you feel in healthy ways, creates an emotional shift in your life.
When an unhealed child’s wounds come to the fore, anger can surface at the least expected times. Anger can be experienced as a feeling, a thought or a combination of both. Anger is actually an energetic change in the energy body and when we feel stressed our anger can increase. For some, anger may be expressed using no words at all. They find themselves releasing the emotional build-up through crying, throwing things, stomping feet, hitting, punching or shouting out and for some self harming and using various substances, to release what they feel inside.
Energy EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and EMO (Energy in Motion) are two of the most supportive techniques I know of to release emotional overwhelm and anger in a healthy way.
It's true to say the world over we have all experienced anger at some time in their lives. It’s a natural part of life to feel angry when our needs aren’t met, if things aren’t going the way we want them to, or circumstances are inflicted upon us against our will. I want you to know it is ok to feel anger - It's a healthy emotion when used wisely and released from the energy body harming no one and empowering you to reach for a higher feeling thought and corresponding feeling and shift in energy.
Tips for releasing anger
Find a safe place in your home, alone, where you can release your pent up anger and put your feelings into words or sounds to unburden yourself. Venting your anger in healthy ways, will help you to separate from the negative aspects of your mother and support you in reducing anxiety, low mood and depression and will raise your mood.
· Think about your body. When you feel angry, where in your body do you have the sensation of anger the most?
· On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being intense, how high is your anger score?
· What’s the temperature of your anger? (cold, warm, hot, boiling)
· If your anger had a colour what would it be?
· If your anger has a texture what’s it made from?
· What shape is your anger?
· What does your anger smell like?
· What does your anger taste of?
· Draw your anger, what does it look like?
· Use EFT as detailed in Chapter Six of Mothers and Daughters, to work through your anger
· Write about your anger in a journal
· When anger builds up take physical exercise
· Use creative art work to express your anger
Excerpt from Mothers and Daughters, the book:
Daughters are frequently angry with their mothers when they do not feel listened to, understood, loved, acknowledged, accepted or praised and vice versa . It’s all too easy in mother-daughter relationships to allow miscommunication to prevent relationships from blossoming into ones where clear, assertive communication reigns.
Your anger might remind your mother too much of her own repressed anger and what you share with her, may bring to the surface the un-healed parts of herself. She may not want to deal with this and will turn away from you if the pain she experiences of her own emotions, is too great to bear. Your mother may have found it easier to find fault with you, your siblings, father, neighbours, society and the world in general, rather than allow herself to actually experience her emotions freely and give voice to the wounded child inside.
When you think of your mother rejecting your expression and range of emotions - get curious and wonder what parts of her own experience she may be avoiding? Not meeting another half-way, or misunderstanding each other’s communications, actions and behaviours, can lead to many an angry outburst on either side. This is natural and in many ways normal in a mother-daughter relationship and can be worked with to create a healthy compromise.
Anger often covers the deep need for love we craved as children. If our love towards our mother was shunned, we might think that ‘to love is dangerous’. This echo’s many women who have shared with me, beliefs which have spilled over from childhood into adulthood such as, ‘I’m unlovable’, or ‘everyone I love leaves or rejects me’. We are filtering through old models and are preventing ourselves from gaining love from other sources. We think we are not worth loving – a feeling based on only part of our experience and the unmet needs of the desperate child.
Without full expression, pent-up anger leads to unhealthy addictive behaviours such as over consumption of alcohol, drugs, food, risky sexual behaviours and overspending etc. Addictions may be sought to escape the pain hiding inside.
When we grow in maturity and understand ourselves better, we are able to welcome and face our anger acknowledging why we feel the way we do, without blame. Simply owning our anger and finding healthy ways to release it, is the key to understanding ourselves and understanding our mothers.
Judy’s words of wisdom - Case Study
‘‘Losing my mum emotionally at such an early age distorted my ability to trust in relationships. I did not have the love and affection of my dad because he left when I was a child and then I felt abandoned all over again when my mum died. Even though she wasn’t emotionally available to me growing up, not having her physically in my life came as feeling of numbness and a sense of her death not being real. The feeling of not belonging to anyone or anything was a shock for me.
Soon after mum passed away and we buried her, I felt so much anger to the point of rage. I was impatient with people at work and strangers in the street, in the supermarket or driving my car. I felt close to losing it on many occasions and had visions of having trolley rage, hitting someone or screaming until I couldn’t scream anymore. Gone was my role of dutiful daughter, all round do-gooder and when she went, so did my identity to a degree. I began to question, who am I without her?
For the first time in my life I felt free to express all which had laid dormant inside. It shocked and surprised me how angry I felt and I seriously needed to let rip. I’m angry at myself for having got myself into this situation. I was my mum’s emotional rescuer simply because I didn’t know any better and was angry at her and my dad for feeling like I had no choice but to mother my mum. Caring for her emotionally and later on physically, has felt much like a prison sentence for most of my life. My role was taken from me when she died. As much as it came as a relief for my duty to be over, with it came a sense of powerlessness and a reminder of all the previous times I felt out of control.
For a while I went through my life in a daze. I comfort ate, drank too much, declined meeting with friends and in many ways I was frightened to express my anger and hatred towards my mother. I did not expect to experience this after her death and it was a shock to me when I didn’t know what to do with my temper as I’d never been allowed to express it.
I wasn’t aware anger is part of the grief cycle. I’m pleased I’ve found new ways to unburden myself, using EFT. I’ve also joined a kickboxing class, I go jogging, I talk openly and honestly to friends and I also write a heap of stuff which I end up ripping up and throwing out, but it helps me to express what remains inside. I also did a massive splatter painting with some old paint on a sheet I don’t use and totally let out all the years of pent-up anger I’d kept within. My pressure cooker of anger which was set to burst is now on a gentle simmer. I’m so glad I’ve found new ways to manage my feelings and all I can say is, thank goodness for EFT.’’
You might like to check out the guided meditation Anger Release for further emotional healing right here
Alternatively please do make contact to work with me using a range of stress management solutions to get you back on track to living a joyful life
If you carry around a lot of suppressed or repressed anger (anger you have unconsciously buried) you may lash out at people, blaming or punishing them for something someone did a long time ago. Because you were unwilling or unable to express how you felt in the past, you may overreact in the present, damaging a relationship - Beverly Engel