Mining for Gold is the theme of my blog for the next month or so offers you an opportunity to dig deeper and genuinely begin to understand your mother as a woman, not just as your mother.
It is fair to say that no one enjoys a life completely free from problems or unexpected setbacks. Your mother will have gone through personal traumas with her own doubts, insecurities and fears. She may have unresolved issues from the past, personal regrets and disappointments. It’s possible she has unanswered questions about her childhood and her own unmet needs connected with her mother (your grandmother).
Your mother may have experienced struggles she has never told you about, either because she wanted to protect you or, because, she may be in denial of hurtful past events.
Once you become aware of your mother’s personal history, you will have a better idea of the battles she has overcome or may still be working through. Making the time to find out about your mother’s past, will help you to understand how her experiences have shaped her character, behaviours and ability to be a mother.
If you and your mother are both open to the idea, you might decide to work through my second book Mothers and Daughters together This will give you both an opportunity to discuss your experiences in a loving way in order to connect at a deeper level. If, however, you feel that at this point, your mother would not be willing to share her experiences with you, you might like to give her a copy of this book and when she is ready to read it will help her to understand and resolve her own mother-daughter issues. If your mother is no longer in your life for whatever reason you can learn so much from taking the time to understand her and working through the contents on Mothers and Daughters.
It is all too easy as daughters to judge our mothers when we have limited information about her life experiences. Gathering facts together about her personal history may help you ease some pain from the past not just for your own personal transformation and healing but for your mother’s too. Understanding why your mother acted in certain ways means you no longer reject yourself for her actions or inaction. You simply become more comfortable with accepting your experience of her behaviour. None of us know what the future holds, though with understanding we are able to let go of the past and be present in the moment, learning along the way.
YOUR ROADMAP TO UNDERSTANDING YOUR MOTHER
But there’s a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your story is always your mother’s story, because hers is where yours began - Mitch Alborn
In this this blog series, we will explore how to move beyond the notion that your mother has to be perfect. There may come a time when you go on to have your own daughter, or find yourself in another mothering and nurturing role. Taking time to read and utilise what’s shared across the coming weeks as this will aid you in understanding and transforming the relationship you have with yourself and your mother. Even if she is no longer in your life, you can still transform your perceptions and memories of her.
I am not asking you to wear rose tinted spectacles, or minimise experiences which have been painful for you, but I invite you to explore where you may have been distorting or generalising aspects of the relationship and even deleting some of the positive experiences with your mother. What you choose to focus on, will grow and become the dominant perspective of the relationship. The good news is that when you are able to reflect on the attitude you have towards your mother and work out the limiting beliefs you have made about her, you will begin to understand yourself and your beliefs.
We all misconstrue, eliminate and theorise information depending on our beliefs and the meanings we place on things. Mining for gold is an opportunity to gather together the positive aspects of your relationship with your mother and in turn, will create more balanced ways of thinking.
Working with both mothers and daughters, I am always curious about a mother’s life before her daughter came into the world. Who was she before you began?
Know thy mother, know thyself...
Jess’s Words of Wisdom - Case Study
‘‘When my mother retired she spent much of her time researching her family tree and sending away for birth, death and marriage certificates. My mother was an only child and said at times she felt very much alone. She seemed to find comfort in researching her distant past and finding out who she was related to. It filled her time writing up records and telling me what she’d found. I saw my mother differently during this time; she was like an excited child every time she made a new find. I’m pleased she found connection to people in her blood line and had a sense of belonging through exploring her ancestry. She found a distant cousin in Hong Kong who became an email pen friend and made many new online friends who were also searching for relatives. Doing the searches cheered up her disposition massively. I’m happy she found something which made her happy and gave her a sense of purpose.’’
Peace is not in the absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means - Ronald Regan
If you would like some guidance as to how to further understand your relationship with your mother, come to terms with the negative aspects of your relationship and healing past hurts please do reach out and make contact to discuss your needs and best support services available to you.